Monthly Archives: October 2018

Subconscious Factors Influencing Couple Attraction

No one doubts that having a relationship is complicated. We perceive it as complicated because the most important factors influencing couple attraction and relationship dynamics are subconscious. We usually have little or no conscious awareness of why we are attracted to (or repulsed by) a person.

Two people meet and either they suddenly feel attracted or not. Either they want to move closer or not. There is usually an energetic “pull-closer” or a “push-away.” Something is happening, it happens quickly, and it is happening on a much deeper level than the physical level. It is outweighing superficial appearance or material factors. What is happening is subconscious, psychological, and complicated.

The pull-closer, if for purely selfish reasons, will eventually lead to some kind of negativity and pain. The push-away could be either positive or negative depending on the intentions of each person.

When two selfish individuals feel an attraction, one or more of the following subconscious factors will likely be operative:

1. Individuals seeking a close, sexual relationship may be attracted because they have opposite subconscious “basic selfish dispositions.” One person will be “basically angry” and the other “basically fearful.” Anger and fear are the two basic ways that we selfishly control to get what we want or avoid what we do not want. If two individuals are of the same selfish disposition (i.e. both basically angry or both basically fearful), they would share similar selfish behavior patterns and would attempt to control and manipulate in similar ways. Were they to enter into a close, sexual relationship their similar selfish approaches would start to clash and the lifespan of their relationship would probably be short-lived. They know too much about each other’s ways.

2. Individuals may be attracted because they have subconscious selfish intentions or behavior pattern ideas that match or are compatible.

If a person holds an idea such as “I have to control in covert ways,” and another person holds the idea “I want someone to take care of me,” those ideas would be compatible.

If a woman had an abusive father relationship, she might have come away covertly hating her father and extended her feelings to include all men. If a man is holding the idea that he does not deserve to be loved or does not deserve anything good, he might be subconsciously attracted to a woman who will refuse to love him.

A woman may be attracted violent personalities or substance abusers, but may not consciously understand why. It is likely that she is enacting a subconscious pattern of being a “victim.”

A man may be attracted to a woman who is obviously controlling. He does not like how she is but feels compelled to be with her. He probably has subconscious patterns relating to his experiences with an excessively controlling mother.

Someone wanting to look good or be perceived as important or right may be attracted to a person who is choosing to be a screw-up, a flake, or a scatterbrain. On the other hand, a person wanting to look or important may be attracted to someone like that.

3. Individuals may be attracted because they have made a significant subconscious “negative agreement” that often has to do with taking personal responsibility.

If a person who is refusing to take full responsibility for his or her life meets someone seeking to take more than 100% responsibility, there might be a strong attraction based on that responsibility trade-off. This is common in selfish relationships.

If both individuals are seeking to avoid truth and reality, that avoidance might be the basis of an attraction.

Since we always know the things we do that are wrong, a person may have an “approach-avoidance” experience. This might occur because a person is sensing positive factors in another that would mean he or she would have to deal with person negatives in order to be with that person. That relationship would become a challenge that has a desirable attraction, yet has an undesirable dimension.

Some people harbor extremely negative intentions and feelings that are not consciously or visibly apparent. A person may push-away someone because he or she is subconsciously “reading” the other person’s true psychological state

Subconsciously, someone out in public may be projecting “I am available.” While another may be saying, “I am not interested in a relationship.”

Of course, the individuals might be attracted for unselfish, right, loving reasons, but, at this time, on this planet, that would be relatively rare. The divorce rates and the huge number of couples in frustrated, un-fulfilling, negative relationships would seem to indicate that fact.

The possibilities for attraction or pushing-away are endless. Until we transform ourselves into truly loving beings, relationships will remain complicated, tricky, and difficult ventures. The kind of people we attract and interact closely with, ultimately, depends on the nature and quality of our own subconscious intentions.

As far as true love is concerned, as long as we approach relationship from selfish motivations, from a “getting” rather than a “giving” place, and as long as we resist consistent right action, an experience of true love will elude us.

Neil Mastellone, working with his co-researcher Jean Mastellone, has been actively investigating the causes of negative human behavior. Their combined research findings are groundbreaking and tend to challenge popular and most medically accepted views of the subconscious, human behavior, baby psychology, and child, teen, and adult disorders and dysfunctions.

Love Horoscopes and Compatibility of Gemini

Zodiac signs compatibility test and love horoscopes are popular ways of finding if you are compatible with the person you are dating. Most of us know that our sun signs are based on the planetary positions at the time of our birth. Theses sun signs influence our traits and our ability to interact with different people. Gemini is one of the twelve sun signs. Love life and compatibility of Geminians are somewhat complicated because of several reasons.

Though matching love horoscopes of people with Gemini sun sign requires professional expertise, there are some common traits that are helpful in finding out if a particular Gemini relationship is going to last long.

Geminians are very witty, charming and intelligent. The intelligence and wits are often not appreciated by people of other sun signs. However Gemini person doesn’t take much time realizing that the other persons it not taking this approach positively.

Their ability to pick up new things and expressing their views about it comes in the way of stabilizing their relationship. They are often more interested in talking about sexual things rather than experimenting with it. However it depends upon many other factors as well.

The intelligence of Gemini is appreciated by Librans. As Librans themselves are known as charmers, they like the witty nature of Gemini. They love to love therefore Librans are the best match for geminians. Librans are often known for balancing relationships very well which means they know when to stop arguing with their partner and when to take things lightly. This is what makes Librans compatible with Gemini.

They go well with Aquarians as well. Their relationship with Leos goes well initially because of witty nature of Leo but usually it does not last long.

Downside of Gemini relationship is that they are often involved with more than one partner which makes them divorce prone. They are as quick in breaking a relationship as they are in building it.

Your Primary Spiritual Relationship

Popular culture is focused on attracting love, yet you’ll only be able to receive as much love as you give to yourself. You’ll deflect or guard love that doesn’t resonate with you – like a compliment you don’t believe. The opposite is also true. You’ll allow others to abuse you a bit less than you abuse yourself. So if you desire lasting love, learn to love yourself, because your relationships will parallel your relationship with yourself.

The subject of love interested me from an early age after reading Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving. I was still young and unconscious of my feelings about myself. For years, the concept of loving myself eluded me. Like many on a spiritual path, I became very good at compassion for others, but had no idea what self-love meant. Little by little, I’ve learned that it starts with self-esteem, self-acceptance, and finally compassion and love – all progressive stages.

Self-esteem

Most people determine their worth based upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless they get it. True self-esteem isn’t based on what others think of you, since its Self-esteem. It’s basically what you think of yourself. You may think well of yourself and your competence in some areas, but not in others, and your estimation may fluctuate with illness and life’s ups and downs, but if you have good self-esteem, you’ll return to feeling good about yourself. You won’t blame yourself, nor take others’ opinions or what fate throws you too personally. You’ll think you’re an okay person despite losses, ill heath, mistakes, and rejection. Many people focus on their flaws and have trouble acknowledging their assets. Others have inflated, unrealistic opinions of themselves. Studies contend that narcissists have high self-esteem. I say they lack true self-esteem, because when a major loss occurs, their self-esteem can plummet, especially if it’s in areas that support their self-concept, such as beauty, public acclaim, or material success. The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism.

Self-Acceptance

Unlike self-esteem which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment. Instead of comparing yourself to others, both positively and negatively, you appreciate your singular individuality. You feel that you’re enough without having to improve upon yourself.

Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. You’ll have no shame or fear of revealing yourself when you accept yourself unconditionally.

Self-Love

Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. It’s neither selfish, nor self-indulgent, and neither egotism, nor narcissism. Actually, egotists and narcissists don’t love themselves at all. A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love. Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). Erich Fromm correctly pointed out that love is an art form that takes dedication and practice, not something you win or fall into. Rather, being able to love is a faculty to be developed. It entails effort and begins with learning to love yourself.

Fromm contended that Western society has been influenced by the Calvinist belief that we’re basically sinful, and thus self-love was considered sinful. But since the Bible says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” how can loving your neighbor be a virtue and self-love be a vice? You’re part of humanity as worthy of love as the next person. Many kind or religious people are able to love others, but unable to love themselves. They believe having a high regard for themselves is indulgent, conceited, arrogant, or selfish. The opposite is true. The greater is your love of self, the greater will be your love of others. The inverse is also true; hatred of others is indicative of self-hatred.

In a relationship when you love someone, you try to understand their experience and world view, although it differs from your own. You offer your attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. Your caring involves knowledge, responsibility and commitment. These virtues are not compartmentalized, because love is indivisible. Thus, as you develop these abilities, your capacity to love yourself and others grows.

Developing the faculties of attention and compassion that are key to intimacy, necessitate discipline and time. To learn anything requires that you desire it and find it worthy of your effort. Although self-love is certainly an important goal, our society is full of distractions, and its emphasis on speed, performance, and productivity make developing self-love a challenge. Meditation, yoga, martial arts are helpful in learning self-awareness and focusing attention.

Compassion for yourself enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with acceptance, caring, and understanding as you would when empathizing with another. Compassion is expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit – quite the opposite of self-criticism, perfectionism, and pushing oneself. When most people are stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to integrate the acceptance and empathy offered by your therapist. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is a judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance and compassion, self-pity says, “It shouldn’t be this way.”

Fromm states that self-love entails faith and courage to take risks and overcome life’s setbacks and sorrows. Faith in yourself enables you to comfort yourself and face challenges and failures without lapsing into worry or judgment. You develop the ability to see yourself objectivity and know you’ll survive, despite present emotions. If you constantly seek validation and reassurance from others, you miss the opportunity to develop these internal functions. As knowledge is pre-requisite to love, spending time alone with yourself is essential to identify and listen to your feelings with sensitivity and empathy. Acquiring the ability to witness and contain your emotions are also faculties learned in meditation and psychotherapy. This is crucial to intimacy because it enables you to be present to love and have compassion for others.

Perhaps you’ve concluded that learning self-love isn’t easy. Look at it this way. Throughout the day, you’re confronted with many opportunities to disregard or attune to your feelings, to judge or to honor them, to keep commitments and be responsible to yourself, and to act in accordance with your needs, values, and feelings. You have an opportunity to learn self-love all the time. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, exhaust yourself, dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The reverse is also true. You might as well make healthier choices, because you and all your relationships will benefit.

Loving Yourself by Taking The Sacred Pause

All of us have ‘triggers’ that set off our fear or anxiety and may lead to our reactivity – anger, defensiveness, withdrawal, compliance or resistance. We are especially triggered in our important relationships.

Take a moment right now to think about what, in your relationships, triggers you into your fear or anxiety.

Are you triggered by:

  • Another’s anger, annoyance, criticism, judgment or rejection?
  • Another’s withdrawal or resistance?
  • Another’s unhappiness, whining or complaining?
  • A partner leaving on a trip?
  • A partner coming home late and not calling?
  • A partner looking at another attractive person?
  • Another’s lack of consideration?
  • Another’s messiness?
  • Another’s forgetfulness?
  • Someone always being late?
  • When you feel unseen or invisible to someone who is important to you?
  • When you feel unjustly accused?
  • (Add your own)

While you might not be aware of it, we all have at least a second to choose how we want to respond to the trigger – and most times more than a second. We often go on automatic pilot and unconsciously choose our standard protective behavior, but we have the choice to love ourselves by taking a second or two to breathe, tune in, and become conscious of this moment of choice. This is the sacred pause – the old “count to 10” before responding.

If you choose to take a breath and tune in, you are giving yourself a chance to respond as a loving adult rather than reacting from your wounded ego self. You have a chance to love yourself by bringing compassion to yourself; by choosing the intent to learn, or disengage from the situation. You have the chance to love yourself by speaking your truth if that is appropriate, and asking your higher self about the loving action toward yourself and the other in this situation. With practice, you can learn to do all of this in the time it takes to take a deep breath.

The challenge is remembering to love yourself by taking the sacred pause and remembering to tune in to yourself and your higher guidance. It is hard to remember to do this when your fight or flight reaction is triggered. However, when it is very important to you to love yourself, you will remember to respond as a loving adult rather than from your wounded self, and you will practice and practice until you remember more and more of the time.

When you forget, accept it rather than criticizing yourself. It is VERY hard to remember to consciously choose your response when your body is in the stress response of fight or flight. Each time you do remember, notice how wonderful you feel – regardless of what the other person is doing. Notice that your painful feelings come more from your reactivity than from the other person’s behavior. Notice how free and empowered you feel when you respond as a loving adult, loving yourself rather than abandoning yourself in reaction to your fear and anxiety.